When the only way around is through, this is how I managed. You can, too.
I escaped; I should be happy…and I am. I am also extremely…nay…painfully uncomfortable, and that isn’t something I saw coming.
For the second time in my adult life an unfamiliar yet reassuring sensation has washed through me and I think this must be what feeling safe and cared for is like.
I don’t quite know.
I first experienced it when I escaped my narcissist ex-husband and was home behind a door for which he had no key. The last several years have been difficult enough, but finally turning around to see who has had the knife in my back since I was a child was horrific, because that person was my mother.
I have known in my brain for years that she was not good for me, but now I knew heart and soul that my mother is a narcissist and I would no longer be the one to supply her fix.
There was a shift in our communication; I was protected. I hung up the phone feeling safe instead of feeling used. Again came the sensation of being cared for and sheltered and it was so overwhelming I knew I was right about her.
Initially I felt nothing but bone-numbing relief; the truth was at last out.
Close on the heels of relief came grief; sister emotions for sure. Relief the situation is no longer and grief for what is lost. In my case, it was grief for the death of the illusion that I had had a mother who cared for and loved me because I was.
When I knew I was free, I also realized I was on my own and actually have been for many years. It was little sickening, to tell the truth. Then, realization: the Universe really has had my back and has gotten me this far; the constant in my life for which I am grateful.
So now I had a hole where I had kept the rationalizations about “why” my mother was, and we all know the saying “Nature abhors a vacuum”. In flowed waves of self-doubt and fear; lessons so ingrained that refusing to continue to drink the kool-aid made me horribly anxious.
These are the tools I used to walk myself back from the ledge that day. I needed every single one.
- I wrote things down. In longhand, on real paper. There is something about teasing thoughts out of my brain then nailing the little buggers down that calms me enough to also remember to do centered breathing. OK, that’s actually two things but for me they are kind of yin and yang as one begets the other.
- I stayed hydrated, ate good protein, quality carbs and healthy fats. Avocados are soothing for some reason. (There’s probably science in there but I’ll look it up later.)
- I got some fresh air. No matter the weather, dressing for it and getting outside for a walk, run or bike ride is so grounding. Even just opening a window is helpful.
- Got out of the house. I had an obligation that afternoon but had I not, I would have gone to the store because what John Weiss says in “You Need These People in Your Life” is true.
- I found something to laugh about. Monty Python clips do nicely (“It’s just a flesh wound!”) as well as funny cat and dog videos. But no FB and certainly no Twitter. Ugh.
- Music. I can play a couple of instruments (although not ready for prime time) and I play the record player exceptionally well. I also excel at “CD player”. Here is a nifty article about the benefits music provides.
At the end of the day I was much more calm and centered and I was able to sleep.
I also like the centering I get from Tai Chi and have found that I prefer moving meditations. Plus, I like that it was originally a fighting art and then I feel even stronger.
A few books that have helped me: “Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists” by Shahida Arabi, “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. and “Hardwiring Happiness” by Rick Hanson, Ph.D.
and Jon Kabat-Zinn are also wonderful resources as are many others whose names I will remember immediately after I hit “publish”.
I would add that talking with a therapist and taking prescribed meds as directed are also good ideas. No shame in needing pharmacological help because “if you can’t make your own neurotransmitters, store-bought is fine” is so valid.
So collect your tools. Gather your tribe.
The Universe has your back, and things will feel better in the morning.
(I do not receive any benefits from the links I provided.)
Photo credit: gage-walker-708524-unsplash
Sorry, comments are closed for this post.